I have been quite depressed with my spiritual progress recently.
(Not having material gain definitely doesn't equate to better spiritual gain)
But what is spiritual progress actually?  That's the question I have to define.

What is the most important progress I wish to have? Or what parameter would u use to evaluate my progress? 
I have gone on pilgrimage, taken a one-month course, went to teachings when I can, practice yoga,  learn meditation from a few places, place a statue in my study room...
Which one counts?
Why do I feel like I haven't move at all after so many 'hardcore' looking activities?
I think ultimately... intuitive healer is what I aspire to become. And I am accumulating the qualities... like a lost kid trying to piece the puzzles together.

I remembered instances when I feel that  the meditation is like self hypnosis/brainwash during kopan course.  Or when I ask myself what's next/what for when I do my silence? 

When I talked to ngla about meditation, I told her I didn't do vipassana but I was just doing mantra meditation and analytical meditation.. then she said these things are good vibration but you didn't really dig into yourself and face it.
Maybe what Angiela felt during goenka vipassana are something like those difficult emotions I had during feldenkrais workshop (feel like crying just doing body scan on the mat) and Almora ttc (when I am definitely forced out of my comfort zone and perceived limitation)

So what I think now is that.. I probably don't need a code of conduct (like what ivy said ultimately you decide what you want in life)

I want to be able to know myself in a deeper level, and hence know the others at depth too (Like what Lama yeshe said, you know yourself and then you know everyone) And help them from there.

Not for myself, but for others 

And I pray today, may I be the bridge and the hand.. to bring people to a better side... to help and heal people with whatever I know... 

A long way to go...