But as an advice he said: “if you want to be a seeker, if you want to follow, then bear in mind never to satisfy or do with relative truth, strive for the ultimate truth, never to rely and do with a person, a teacher. Try to strive for the teaching. Never to trust what your mind concludes. Strive for the conclusion coming from the wisdom, the wisdomwisdom mind”. 

I have been quite depressed with my spiritual progress recently.
(Not having material gain definitely doesn't equate to better spiritual gain)
But what is spiritual progress actually?  That's the question I have to define.

What is the most important progress I wish to have? Or what parameter would u use to evaluate my progress? 
I have gone on pilgrimage, taken a one-month course, went to teachings when I can, practice yoga,  learn meditation from a few places, place a statue in my study room...
Which one counts?
Why do I feel like I haven't move at all after so many 'hardcore' looking activities?
I think ultimately... intuitive healer is what I aspire to become. And I am accumulating the qualities... like a lost kid trying to piece the puzzles together.

I remembered instances when I feel that  the meditation is like self hypnosis/brainwash during kopan course.  Or when I ask myself what's next/what for when I do my silence? 

When I talked to ngla about meditation, I told her I didn't do vipassana but I was just doing mantra meditation and analytical meditation.. then she said these things are good vibration but you didn't really dig into yourself and face it.
Maybe what Angiela felt during goenka vipassana are something like those difficult emotions I had during feldenkrais workshop (feel like crying just doing body scan on the mat) and Almora ttc (when I am definitely forced out of my comfort zone and perceived limitation)

So what I think now is that.. I probably don't need a code of conduct (like what ivy said ultimately you decide what you want in life)

I want to be able to know myself in a deeper level, and hence know the others at depth too (Like what Lama yeshe said, you know yourself and then you know everyone) And help them from there.

Not for myself, but for others 

And I pray today, may I be the bridge and the hand.. to bring people to a better side... to help and heal people with whatever I know... 

A long way to go... 

by Anita Moorjani, the author of the book "Dying to be Me".. about her near death experience

Don't be afraid to be who you are and find your joy.
One of the problems we have is that we have lost our joy and we have forgotten who we are.
We have no passion for our lives anymore. We are afraid to express ourselves.
Get in touch with your heart and express who you are. Live life with joy.

We live our life out of fear. Every choice I made is made out of fear. I take this job because I am afraid of losing the social status. Every food we eat is we fear the consequences... Everything we do comes from a place of fear. And people don't love themselves. And then we become drained and depleted.

When you love yourself, you love life. When you don't love yourself, life is miserable. And when life is miserable, that's what you spread around.
"Life is a gift, don't be afraid to be yourself, find your joy and live life with passion everyday."