I have been quite depressed with my spiritual progress recently.
(Not having material gain definitely doesn't equate to better spiritual gain)
But what is spiritual progress actually?  That's the question I have to define.

What is the most important progress I wish to have? Or what parameter would u use to evaluate my progress? 
I have gone on pilgrimage, taken a one-month course, went to teachings when I can, practice yoga,  learn meditation from a few places, place a statue in my study room...
Which one counts?
Why do I feel like I haven't move at all after so many 'hardcore' looking activities?
I think ultimately... intuitive healer is what I aspire to become. And I am accumulating the qualities... like a lost kid trying to piece the puzzles together.

I remembered instances when I feel that  the meditation is like self hypnosis/brainwash during kopan course.  Or when I ask myself what's next/what for when I do my silence? 

When I talked to ngla about meditation, I told her I didn't do vipassana but I was just doing mantra meditation and analytical meditation.. then she said these things are good vibration but you didn't really dig into yourself and face it.
Maybe what Angiela felt during goenka vipassana are something like those difficult emotions I had during feldenkrais workshop (feel like crying just doing body scan on the mat) and Almora ttc (when I am definitely forced out of my comfort zone and perceived limitation)

So what I think now is that.. I probably don't need a code of conduct (like what ivy said ultimately you decide what you want in life)

I want to be able to know myself in a deeper level, and hence know the others at depth too (Like what Lama yeshe said, you know yourself and then you know everyone) And help them from there.

Not for myself, but for others 

And I pray today, may I be the bridge and the hand.. to bring people to a better side... to help and heal people with whatever I know... 

A long way to go... 

by Anita Moorjani, the author of the book "Dying to be Me".. about her near death experience

Don't be afraid to be who you are and find your joy.
One of the problems we have is that we have lost our joy and we have forgotten who we are.
We have no passion for our lives anymore. We are afraid to express ourselves.
Get in touch with your heart and express who you are. Live life with joy.

We live our life out of fear. Every choice I made is made out of fear. I take this job because I am afraid of losing the social status. Every food we eat is we fear the consequences... Everything we do comes from a place of fear. And people don't love themselves. And then we become drained and depleted.

When you love yourself, you love life. When you don't love yourself, life is miserable. And when life is miserable, that's what you spread around.
"Life is a gift, don't be afraid to be yourself, find your joy and live life with passion everyday."

Revisiting fpmt abc

Very happy to be back in abc.. just attending a class.  :)
Last year I joined the meditation beginner course here and decided to go to Kopan for one-month course.
It reminds me of my pre kopan time. When I feel that there's nothing to fail and nothing to fear.  Quitting my job and relearning and rechoosing career is not a big deal.
Regarding my discussion with Amy about learning expensive healing method like delta healing,  feldenkrais method etc. Why I never consider learning them just because they are expensive? Why I am willing to spend 4k to go australia but I reject a certification of feldenkrais where I might earn back by practicing it?
If it's is not widely practice, why don't I see it as a privilege- less competition, rather than a shortcomings -small market? 
I do believe that we can earn back what we spend / invest on knowledge.
If I think that being a physiotherapist is more secured... which part of it is the secured part? Since nothing is inherently existing?  Do I make up the story and forever refuse to learn what I could? 
Can I find out which part of it is secured so that I can better allocate and invest my time and money on learning now?
Why not learning yoga when I already know that my ttc is not enough..according to my own standard? 
Have I forgotten what wishes I made upon my stone?

First night of Cameron Highland retreat. During the meditation session, kenny say the most important foundation is to put your mind at the three points: Sahasrara, tip of the nose and 丹田.. according to your condition at the moment. 
And remember to take refuge before everything you do. Then you will be protected. 
Someone ask about knowing your mind/old habits and changing your old habits are different. Kenny ask if we have experienced losing ourselves and don't know what happened earlier. He say if we really have the meditation foundation we will slowly close the gap between awareness and the forget about what happen state,  and then we will change ourselves.
Meditation doesn't mean emptying your mind,  it means knowing your mind. 

We are all an unique piece of snowflake inside the same snow globe

About the 5 khandhas from Samyuttanikaya

Form is like a lump of foam,
Feeling like a water bubble;
Perception is like a mirage,
Volitions like a plantain tree,
And conciousness like an illusion.

Read news about a fire in Thamel, Kathmandu last night. Pilgrims book house, one of the largest that has amazing collection of books is burnt down.
Feel a bit sad about it...
I decide to start reading Dhammapada that has been on my bookshelf for a year.
Life is impermanent, books too.